As I stated earlier, I had a body scan and a bone scan to make sure that the cancer was located only in my left breast. Unfortunately, I had these done on Thursday late afternoon right before Memorial weekend.
I kept myself busy all weekend; I mean BUSY! Hell, I even weeded and I hate gardening. (Got the mosquito bites to prove it.) I kept up my mantra about the results - "I just don't know" but by today, my mind was trying hard to focus.
I had registered with Beaumont My Chart, so I would get notification of my test results. I'd like to think I'm somewhat brave but I saw my results were online this morning. I couldn't bring myself to look. I went to the breast cancer store and bought my tops for my mastectomy. I came home and ate lunch; avoiding my computer. Bob came in and I finally logged on. We sat together, but I couldn't look. I broke down and said I'm a coward, I'm afraid. These tests were looking at my entire body! I was being exposed. I went to a place I shouldn't have gone - if cancer is in my breast - what's to say it's not somewhere else?!?
I finally looked at the bone scan results - a little arthritis but all clear. I'm breathing a little bit better; but I can't bring myself to look at the body scan. I tell Bob I want the afternoon to not think of it. I'll look at it after I get home from my hair appointment and massage. I'll say it - I was running away. I couldn't cope any more. I wanted a mental break.
On the way to get my massage, I get a phone call from the Dr. Ruark's office. She wants to see me tomorrow to discuss the surgery. I set up the appointment for 10:30. I ask her assistant if she has my test results. She responds they're on top of your chart right here. She says Dr. Ruark will discuss them with me tomorrow. That doesn't sound good - she wants to discuss it with me - what does that mean? I realize then I can't wait until tomorrow, I'll need to look up the results when I get home. Darn it!
I get off the phone - you know how I was breathing easier - scratch that. I'm at a stop sign concentrating on my breath - deep breath in, deep breath out - calming myself, when my phone rings again. It's Dr. Ruark's office again. What now?
It's her assistant. She says - I realize when I got off the phone with you that I may have mislead you about your test results. I spoke with Dr. Ruark and she told me to call you to let you know your test results are clear; she will only be discussing your surgery with you tomorrow.
What a gift! I've just been given a great gift!!! I know from the last time I had cancer, that when you receive good news, it's truly a gift. I am in such gratitude. I tell her she has made my day and that I'm grateful.
I immediately call Bob. I'm sobbing when I tell him. We're both laughing and crying at the same time. I'm breathing, I'm laughing, I'm crying and I'm so so blessed.
After my massage, I go home. Bob is in the driveway and I jump out of my car and we hug, laugh and cry. We stop hugging and do a happy dance on the driveway, waving and swinging our arms like little kids. Pure Bliss!
Riley soon comes home and I greet her with a hug. She sobs in my arms, she gets it. She knows how precious this news is. I get a text from Nick, telling me how great the news is and that he loves me. Anthony hugs me when he gets home from work and says finally good news. As difficult as this is for all of us to deal with, it's also bringing us closer. You see, a switch has just been turned for all of us - we get what's important. Love, pure and simple LOVE. I'm surrounded by it and I am grateful.
Now on to treatment!