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Next Steps . . .

Since I was in relative shock when Dr. Ruark called to give me the news, I called on Monday morning to find out the time of my appointment.  I'm set for 12:45.  Bob has to be in Dallas for the week and can't go with me.  I'm fine by myself but my doctor has requested I bring someone with me for an extra set of ears.  My sister Denise comes with me.

I have breast cancer and I've already decided that I want a double masectomy.  I'm DONE with these breasts!  My mindset is I'm having a double masectomy and then I'm done.  I'll have recontruction and call it good.  I'll have smaller perkier breasts.  I mean think of it, I'll be able to see my feet again.  My breasts won't come up and smother me.  There is a positive here - lol!

As I'm being led back the nurse asks if I want my sister to be in the room for my examination.  Uh No - we're close but not that close.  I don't want to scar her.  My meeting with begins with exams from Theresa the nurse practitioner followed by Dr. Ruark.  I tell both I'm done with these breasts - sign me up for another pair.

Examination done - on to figuring out the game plan.  Denise and I sit in her office.  I mention how lucky it is that I've had the 3D mammogram but she says a regular mammogram would have showed the calcifications also. Dam, I could have had this information earlier!

I have Invasive Lobular cancer cells.  She feels it's stage 2 but will not know until she operates.  The cancer is in two different areas.  It has developed in the last year.  She recommends a masectomy of the left breast followed by chemo and radiation.  She will be removing lymph nodes also.  Damn, I'm in for a battle.  Out of all of what she said what devastes me the most is having chemo.  My son is getting married in August!  I want to have hair for the wedding!  Double Dam!

While I'm diligently taking notes and asking questions, my doctor stops and says "Are you alright?"  I'm confused until I look over and my sister is crying.  Denise blurts out - "Do you want me to take notes?"  OMG - LOL!  "Nope, don't worry Denise, I've got this".  I needed the comic relief.

As I'm leaving my doctor says that she loves my attitude and engery and wishes she could give it to some of her patients.  Here's the thing:  i have no control of this - none whatsoever.  The only thing I can do is control how I react to it.  I've done cancer before, I get how it tries to grab you and fill you with fear.  I don't want to be controlled by cancer. If I have to go through this again - I will not let it own me, I'll find humor in my situation.  If I'm going down, I'm going down laughing.

I'm scheduled for a PET Scan and Bone Scan the following Thursday. Once again, I'm hit with how fast this is moving. We leave her office and go out in the hallway.  I break down a little and say I really wanted to have hair for Nick's wedding.  Really, if I had to have to have this why now?  It's a happy time for us!  I want to enjoy every aspect of his wedding not deal with this dammit! Before I leave I have to get some blood work done along with a chest x-ray.  This makes it real.  This is really happening.

Chest X Ray complete, on to the blood work.  Denise and I leave and head home.  On the way home, I get a call from the hospital. They didn't take enough blood, I have to come back.  Great!  This is not starting out well.

We are planning to go to eat but my Nick calls on his way home from the airport.  I ask him to come to the house, I have something to tell him.

Denise drops me off and goes to tell my mother.  I go home to tell my kids.  Life has just turned on a dime and once I again I have to tell my children I have cancer.  Something I never thought I would ever have to do again.


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