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Pity Party for One

The night I got home from the emergency.  I had my foot wrapped in an ace bandage and was sitting in my go to lazy boy with my foot propped up.  I decided I wanted to go to bed.  Bob helped me up and I got my crutches.  I was still trying to figure out how to use them.  While trying to maneuver, I quickly learned how not to use them.  I fell backwards and barely missed hitting my head on the coffee table.

Now I really wasn’t hurt but I started sobbing.  Gut wrenching sobs.  Bob, in a panic, asks me if I’ve hurt anything.  NO! I sob.  I continue to sob.  I can’t stop.  And then I realize, it’s the first time since I was diagnosed, that I have really cried.  Yes, I’ve cried but nothing like this.  It’s like the dam was burst open.  I’ve read stories of cancer patients and how they really didn’t cry until something happened that had nothing to do with their disease.  The incident just triggered it.  Well this was my trigger.  I’m sobbing and I can’t stop.  At one point I cry out “I’m so tired of this” and you know what I am.  I work hard every day to see the positive and most days I succeed.  I honestly don’t wake up every morning and cry that I have cancer.  Most times I forget.  I have made it my new normal.  It just is what it is.  I AM in gratitude for my treatments. I am living this journey in gratitude.  It just gets overwhelming at times and breaking my ankle was one of those times.  I just needed to cry and let out my frustration.  So I had my cry and picked myself up, grabbed my crutches and gimped back to my bedroom.

The ramifications of breaking my ankle hits me on Sunday.  I have a pity party for myself.  I’m feeling life isn’t too fair.  I’m starting 6 weeks of radiation tomorrow, I’ve got lymphedema and cellulitis in my left arm and now I’ve broken my ankle!  How much more?

I did a trial run last Thursday, figured out the timing, where to park, met the staff who would be working with me.  I was ready to tackle radiation, looking forward to it actually, and then bam – broken ankle.  I’m feeling a little gipped/cheated.  I am trying to do everything right, prepare the best I can.  I broke my ankle trying to go swim for god’s sake!  I was trying to take care of myself.  Now I’m limping around everywhere, in pain, encumbered by a cast.  My plan to zip in and zip out of radiation treatments just went out the door.  I’d just started feeling somewhat back to normal.  I was ready to get back to life.  Radiation was supposed to be easy peasy, nothing like chemo.  I drive over, change into my gown, lay down, get zapped, 15 minutes later, I’m changing and heading home.  Now I’ve got to be driven, or valet park and hobble in on crutches.  Ever try walking down a hallway on crutches in a hospital gown?  Yeah, trying to hold my gown together is going to be a real treat!

In addition to my ankle, I’ve got my left arm wrapped from my fingers up to my shoulder.  It feels like it’s in a vise.  The entire left side of my body is a wreck!  Everything is cumbersome.

I’m feeling frustrated, sad and angry.   I spend most of Sunday watching sad movies, crying at the endings.  I’m halfway through my second movie when I turn it off.  I don’t want to stay in sadness.  I really don’t like feeling this way.   Too much heaviness.

I go and sit in my living room.  I play a Frank Sinatra album on our new record player.  (It’s been a blast playing my old records)  Music always seems to help bring me back to a happy place.

I listen and gaze at my backyard.  It looks like a winter wonderland.  The music and view put me in a meditative state.  I’m at peace.  I feel incredibly blessed in this moment.  Pure gratitude.  I’m here.  I get to be here and take in this beauty.  So what if my ankle is broken.  So what if I have lymphedema.  I have to have radiation – big flipping deal.  None of that matters because I’m here. I’M HERE! And there’s nothing more precious than that.  Nothing!  My day just got brighter.  Tomorrow’s a new day and I get to be in it.  I have no complaints.


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