I'm know I'm in for a battle. I feel out of control. I'm waiting for the test results and find my mind not staying present. I've told people about the tests and even though they mean well, I get text messages and phone calls all weekend asking me if I've received the results. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I call Natalie and she helps me get out of my head. I'm unnerved by these tests. It's odd to say but I can handle having breast cancer again. But if it's somewhere else? I am unsettled that my entire body is being examined. I start thinking of every pain and ache, could it be cancer? Between the texts, phone calls and my wandering mind, I find myself right in the middle of the "What If" syndrome. Will I ever learn? Natalie reminds me of something about the results - "I don't know". That's all, I don't know. Leave it at that. No need to conjure up scenarios, I just don't know.
I give myself a pep talk. Suck it up Princess, get on with life and stop wallowing. I decide to keep busy. I work out, I grocery shop, I clean my refrigerator, I make food, I go shopping (who doesn't like a little retail therapy!). I even weed in our garden - I NEVER garden! I decide to get ready for my journey.
I make a list of what I need to prepare before my surgery.
1. Purchase a lazy boy chair to sit in during recovery.
2. Go to a breast cancer specialty store and get supplies to help with my healing.
3. Make meals to put in the freezer.
4. Get a massage.
5. Get a manicure.
6. Get hair cut and colored.
7. Load up my kindle with books to read.
I was hyper-focused. Making my plan of attack was comforting to me. I was giving me back some of my lost control. I was taking my fear and Focusing my Energy to Alter the Result.
On Tuesday, May 30th, I start the day by going to two breast cancer stores and order shirts for after my mastectomy. They have pouches for the drains I will have, I want to know about what will happen to me - what to expect. Here I go again with that control thing! Each person tells me what I already know - there is no "set" way. Everybody's recovery time is different. I could have the tubes draining anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks. Lovely!
I discuss next steps after the surgery. I will have to wait 4 to 5 weeks to get fitted for a prosthesis. If I'm to begin chemo in August, it's suggested that I get fitted for a wig in early July to be able to have it when I need it. Another to do on my journey.
Plans made to help me navigate my new normal, on to the rest of my day. I'm getting my hair cut and colored today along with a massage. I've decided I need a little pampering before I begin my journey.
I've planned a Say Goodbye to my Tata party tomorrow. I've invited all my lady friends to come over and celebrate. Why not? It gives me some control and hey any excuse for a party!
Researching, running errands and planning - tools that gave me back some control in my life. By the end of the day I was feeling peace.
