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The day before it begins . . .

Tuesday, July 11th, begins with a session with Natalie.  Tune up done - check!  Visit to the breast surgeon to get the okay for surgery didn't go as well.  Theresa tells me the pinpoints have cleared but now sees a rash on my stomach.  She thinks it may be a yeast infection - really?!?  She tells me if that's the case, the nurses won't want to start chemo.  This is what I don't want to hear!  The pinpoints are closed and now this?  I don't want anything to jeopardize my chemo schedule.  My main focus is on my son's wedding.  I want to have the most energy I can for that special day.  We agree that I will apply Cortizone to the area and call my oncology nurse.  I leave hopeful but apprehensive.

My sister Kelle and her daughter, Haley are here for MSU orientation - GO STATE!  We go to Denise's for a family dinner.  It was a nice night, filled with hearing about Haley's orientation and their family trip to Ireland.  I speak with my niece, Allison, about what to expect tomorrow as she's an infusion nurse.  She has been a tremendous help to me and I truly appreciate her for it.  Not much is discussed about tomorrow and I'm grateful.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  I like staying present. I need to stay in the now. I find my sanity in the now.

We go home and watch some television.  We're in bed by 11:30, of course, Bob falls asleep immediately!  I, on the other hand, watch television and eventually read.  It's close to 3:30 and I've still not gone to sleep.  Bob wakes up and asks me if I'm alright.  Yes, I respond, just fine.  Then why aren't you asleep? he asks.  I start to cry a little and say "I don't want to go to sleep, I want to stay awake and feel normal for awhile.  I don't know the next time I'll feel this healthy.  I'm not in pain, I don't feel fatigue, I'm not nauseous, my bones don't ache.  I don't know when I'll feel like this again.  I don't want to let it go.  I want to relish this a little bit longer."  He understands and holds me till I eventually fall asleep.  

I wake up, ground myself and meditate.  I'm finding my gratitude for what I'm to be given today.  I'm going with the Flow and seeing what the world will bring me.



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