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Thoughts on a Rainy Day . . .

It’s a rainy day today, gloomy and dark.  I have chemo today.  I leave in an hour.  I will put numbing cream on my port in a half an hour to prepare the site for the needle insertion.  I will pack my bag of goodies, mints, kindle, warm socks and bottled water and head to the hospital.  This will be chemo number ten (10).  I’ve done this ten times.  I’ve gotten through the harsh chemo and am now into the “easier” chemo.  Today will be my sixth treatment of Taxol.  I am to have 12 Taxol treatments.  Today, I will be half way through the Taxol and more than half way through all the chemo treatments.  Has it been easy?  That’s a tough question to answer.  I’ve never done it before so I have nothing to compare.  I haven’t had to be hospitalized.  I haven’t had fevers.  I haven’t thrown up.  I haven’t lost weight – I’ve actually gained dammit!  I have still maintained my exercise schedule.  My blood count numbers have been fine so I haven’t had to reschedule my treatments.  I’ve been told that I’ve handled the side effects from both chemo treatments extremely well.  So well that my steroid and Benadryl dosages have been halved.  On a good note – I lost 5 pounds when that happened – whoo hoo!

I have experienced at times debilitating nausea but have seen my way through it.  I have lost my taste buds, gotten them back and seem to be losing them again.  There are days when I’m exhausted or as I say to Bob – “I’m out of power Luke”.  Those are the days when I rest and relax.  I won’t lie to you and say it’s all sunshine and roses because it’s not.  On the days I’m down, I work hard to realize how far I’ve come on this journey and that the hard times (mastectomy and A/C chemo) are behind me.  I try not to look too far ahead and stay present.  I realize this journey is not just physical but mental as well.  You do what you need to do to get through – that’s all.  I’m like anyone in life just navigating through.  I try to stay in gratitude for all it has given me and will continue to give me.  Love, healing, hope.  Love that I feel from all my family and friends, healing myself both physically and mentally and hope that I will have a future.

So on this gloomy rainy day, I feel sunshine.  I get to have my 10th Taxol treatment today.  That means I’m more than half way through chemo treatments.   How great is that?  I’m on a journey I didn’t want to be on but I’m getting through.  I’m learning and growing every step of the way.  I’m feeling happy about life today.  It has given me so many gifts to be thankful for and yes even for chemo.  I will be leaving shortly to receive chemo number 10 and I’m feeling gratitude.  Life is great isn’t it?

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